As an independent woman, I used to think very little about humility. After all, is it not pride that keeps us so independent? We think we can do it all, and “don’t you dare insinuate that we can’t”. There is a drive and ambition to escalate in our careers, land a doting husband, and have the perfect hair and makeup. Where is this drive coming from? Certainly not from a sense of humility. I don’t say this to hit a nerve, I say it because this is me. I can’t even say this was me. It is me.
Yes, I want to “work as if for the Lord in all I do”, but there is a difference between working for the Lord, and working for the Lord….while keeping the recognition. Or, working for the Lord… while one-upping the gal next to me. Or working for the Lord…while achieving my own vision for success. In this season (and in all seasons, I should say), I need to be working for the Lord… for the sake of working for the Lord. No recognition. No competition.
I started writing a year ago, and have little to show for it. This is not like me, a recovering independent woman. The truth is, I don’t know what I am doing, or where I am going. I haven’t found my voice, or understood my audience, and when I try to learn what exactly that even means, I get corrected to stay back on a train track which seems to lead nowhere, at least until I again, spend time at His footsteps and remember that our destination is not a place but a virtue. Humility.
It feels like a twisting from the inside, like a pain whose physical location I can’t identify. It’s a scolding I can’t argue against. I come home, lie down, and stare at the ceiling fighting with my Father, His encouragement to just do as he says wrestling against my stubborn need to understand this “sowing without harvest” (a very loose interpretation). What pride in my demand to see the end before the beginning as if I myself were God, and what selfishness in insisting to be the harvester of what I sow.
I used to think very little about humility. But as it’s becoming crystal clear how little of it I have and how much of it I need, I find it’s a struggle to come out of the prideful environment I have created for myself. I bought into the hype, followed the movement, and despite being saved, reading my bible, having lead in the church for years…this purging will continue until the day I meet Jesus. My only comfort is knowing that I am not the only one, and that this process is evidence of a true heart after God, never satisfied with this rebellious flesh of mine.
I would love to wrap this up nicely in an amen and a hallelujah, but to be very honest, my spirit is warring against my flesh and right now it’s a daily battle. I move forward with just barely enough obedience and faith to get by, and that is the only thing I can do for today as he responds to my insignificant offering with his always-sufficient grace.
Maybe you are in a similar season in life. Or maybe God is growing you or teaching you a lesson and you can identify with the struggle. In either case, I pray my venting has helped, whether for confirmation, camaraderie, or maybe just compassion.
Father, pull this selfishness from inside me, and ingrain humility into my soul. Whatever your plan for my life, let the focus be on obedience over outcome and helping over winning. I can do nothing if not by your hand. I can be nothing if not for your purpose. In Jesus’ name, amen.